Let’s face it, we’ve all got our thoughts, interests, opinions and some deep rooted feelings about various topics. The social media feed projects information through digital advertising and you and I have received our daily algorithm for today’s news. The information feed can be such a dark cloud! The news has always presented us with the opportunity to face difficult information and now the comments and outward opinions have led to an even greater polarization in our communities. The media demands, “Which side are you on!” Are you Republican or are you Democrat? Are you more concerned with the COVID-19 medical crisis or the economic collapse? If that’s not clear enough there’s more, including the right to own guns, mandatory vaccinations, racism and a host of other hot topics! There is so much chatter out there and we are simply not lacking content. There is also the underlying assumption that if you don’t have an opinion - then you simply must not care enough about the topic or know too little to give your personal input. Where social media was thought to be a gift to help create a community some have likened social media platforms to wrestling rings or centers for debate. There’s more, Robert Farrell pulls back the curtain on social media further,
“The issue with social media is the same with all types of media - controversy sells. The more controversy Facebook, Twitter, etc. can drum up the more eyes they have gazing into their screens. And in any business, the more eyes you have looking, the more money you make. The polarization of the two sides…whatever they are, brings in more traffic which then ups their value to their advertisers who write massive checks to the new ‘newspaper.’” And then comes the cost…Farrell continues, “Unfortunately, it is at the cost of friends, colleagues, and all types of relationships which give the pursuer a way to jab their peer in the face…bloody their nose and then walk away like nothing happened, except the social media conglomerate just made another thousand.”
Listen
Some of the best advice I have received given the demand and difficulty of these topics boils down not to pride, research, or positioning oneself above another, but rather down to listening. How simple, how seemingly weak and yet, Dr. Steven Covey explains that “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” This is especially true when we are in a perceived moment of conflict or when we are scared. What if I’m wrong? What if they are right? These questions are light weight when compared to the deeper issues we struggle with in regard to our disputes including: What if my faith fails me and I am left alone? What if I am ostracized? What if I fail and lose my loved ones and community? What if I am attacked and not vindicated? When our fears drive us we have learned that we move into the fight or flight mentality and our reaction is based solely on survival. This is the mode by which people bicker in comments, shut others down in groups or distance people out of their lives for thinking, looking or acting differently then them. Dr. Covey has a solution to this. The next time you’re in a discussion consider this, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” This of course requires a desire to listen because you want to understand. In the midst of the loudest voices many are simply asking, do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter? As a Licensed Counselor I have sat across from people sharing about many unfortunate life experiences, many of which I simply cannot fully understand. Providing a listening ear and a desire to understand is how I was able to have the rapport to speak into the person’s life. It wasn’t sympathy or empathy that made the connection it was actually compassion. While I don’t always agree with what I hear, I can position myself as one that cares enough to listen and seeks to understand. I see you, I am listening and you matter. If you try one thing today try this: Listen and seek to understand. The way that you go about this is by being s l o w to speak and quick to listen! When you do this you will find yourself with more room to share your thoughts if you feel comfortable sharing them.
Speak
What about the importance of speaking up for what is right? When you choose compassion and offer respect and dignity to the person, you may now speak the truth in love. We have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. We were created to bring about change in the world and our voice, especially our words have the power to conceal or convey truth! Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said this, “A man dies when he refuses to stand up for that which is right. A man dies when he refuses to stand up for justice. A man dies when he refuses to take a stand for that which is true.” Before you open your mouth or comment digitally ask yourself, am I coming from a place of compassion seeking first to understand and choosing to listen before being understood and speaking?
The hottest of topics will vary and some will live and die by them. Even my closest friends and I have disagreed at times with important topics and after much listening and seeking out to understand where they are coming from I had this to say to them, “My hope is that we can speak openly and vulnerably about our thoughts and feelings. They are changing every day and hopefully we can work together to collaborate and think through these difficult topics with a lot of love and respect.” It has since amazed me with how much we can actually learn from one another’s perspective. The goal is to love and listen. Remain humble because at the end of the day, none of us have all the answers. And, some would say actions speak louder than words and revelation tells the story. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Josh Neuer is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Greenville, SC who speaks worldwide about how individuals, families, businesses and communities can find hope and healing that literally changes the world! Josh is passionate about empowering meaningful change in communities and team cultures. He is the founder of Joshua Neuer, LLC Counseling, a committed husband and father, and is absolutely crazy about relationships!