What I am Learning: Part 2
Welcome to Part 2 of the most recent discoveries that I am learning. If you haven’t read the first article, Here is “What I am Learning”
This article has been written from personal experience based largely upon the last 2 years of my life. This information includes what I’ve learned and continue to learn in my own life to remain open as a husband and father, friend, business owner and Licensed Counselor.
To start, while welcoming change some have asked about boundaries and the necessary changes such as beliefs and habits and how to navigate difficult people and situations. Let’s jump in!
Choose to Respond Clearly and Kindly According to Your Values
Often in conflict we think we need to react in big ways to make our message loud and clear. Unless this is an emergency, this is likely not the case. Unnecessary additional pressure can lead us to overly mentally prepare and nearly live by a script and rehearse over and over how we think the situation may or may not go. I’m finding it’s of much greater use to learn to comfort ourselves, pay attention to the thoughts we’re thinking and learn to simply be in the moment and observe rather than reacting from fear and self-protection. Everyday we are provided with the opportunity to respond clearly and kindly according to our values and make decisions. Each new day provides another opportunity.
Let me explain. If last year Thanksgiving was experienced and viewed as a big blow up. I can remain calm here and keep in mind that it was experienced one way for me and another way for the family still living by former rules and childhood experiences. Each person is filtering the experience through their own personal lens. Let’s say that I have since stated what I am and am not comfortable with regarding what happened in November during the holiday. It’s also important to realize that as much as I am learning how other’s react - my attention needs to be on my thinking, feeling and empowering myself with the opportunities to heal and grow. I make myself the priority and work with myself. If this sounds selfish consider the misstep getting ourselves fixated to the speck we see in others. The tendency and comfortable place is to stay tethered to the experience from last year and the webbing to the negative experiences like it. Before long I begin to prepare for the worst and feel on guard or worse, helpless and in a loop of thinking what I need to do to manage the behavior or expectations of others. This is usually where parties clam up and view vulnerability as weakness for fear of being hurt again. Does any of this sound familiar? It appears there is no solution, a standoff and perceived impasse of sorts and we feel stuck. Couples and families can remain here a long time. Author Jen Sincero says, “Personal boundaries define where you end and the outside world begins. Having healthy boundaries means owning your actions, emotions, and needs as well as not owning the actions, emotions, and needs of others.” Focus within and be kind to yourself. Simply allow others to have their own feelings.
I have learned that my boundaries are simply my boundaries and I cannot manage the emotions or reactions of others. That is exhausting. Focus within and simply allow others to have their own feelings.
How do I want to think the other 364 days of the year before and after the event that will unfold the way it is going to unfold next holiday? What thoughts am I thinking? Am I caring for myself and grieving the pain of the situation from last year so that I can be here now? Am I open to how the next holiday will go or do I need to dictate and determine how I and everyone around me is going to be. My preferences become perceived needs and this kind of rigid thinking is likely not going to go well for me or others. Even if I think I’m right in this situation, now I think that I need you to act and behave a certain way for me/us to be okay.
What we can do is pay attention to the thoughts we’re thinking, relax into the moments and allow people to have their feelings and continue to honor our own boundaries. Since I have already stated simply and clearly what I am and am not comfortable with I can be clear and kind. I don’t need to overly prepare or be reminded regularly how bad the experience was. I can remember that this too is a moment passing in time. I’m not excusing what happened or minimizing my own experience. I am, however, accepting that I have already grieved the events, shared with others and processed the experience from my perspective, stated what I am and am not comfortable with and now it’s time to be here now. When is enough, enough? It’s like any cleanse, the initial start is the hardest until you begin losing the need go back to what feeds you. You find your strength and realize you no longer need to hold on to this to be strong. I believe strength comes from within Now.
Let Go of the Past and Be Here Now
Listen, we’ve all heard the relevance and importance of this. Life is meant to be lived well in the moment. As stated above, we’re raised to play by former ways of thinking by the rules of time, childhood rules and expectations and likely an unrealistic standard we have on ourselves that we should be, do and have everything necessary in every moment. No wonder it’s so difficult to embrace change!
In reality, life is going to unfold the way it will unfold and much of this is out of our control. Since we are responsible for our emotions and reactions we can choose what we focus on. This is why creating a daily practice of noticing thoughts and choosing to think on good things is an incredibly important practice. Some do this with meditation, counseling, mantras, daily breath work and other mindful practices. When something comes up it’s meant to come up and to be released, not held captive and suppressed. If something is reoccurring in our mind it’s again time to process, grieve and as we outgrow this we release the captive experience.
“The greatest and most important problems of life are all in a certain sense insoluble...They can never be solved, but only outgrown...This ‘outgrowing’, as I formerly called it, on further experience was seen to consist in a new level of consciousness. Some higher or wider interest arose on the person’s horizon, and through this widening of the view, the insoluble problem lost its urgency. It was not solved logically in its own terms, but faded out when confronted with a new and stronger tendency.”
Some traditions have referred to the negative thoughts - fearful, abusive and traumatic as the rattlesnake. This symbol represents something harmful and possibly deadly. We do all we can to keep ourselves from the representation of anything that looks or feels like the rattlesnake. It’s important to recognize and with help and time release the people, places and things that have taken occupancy in our minds. Someone or something can impact us so much that we’ve been branded internally for years, decades even. It’s not a quick process and it takes a commitment to both acknowledge and accept what has happened and the full reality of the situation. It happened, it sucks, I feel a host of emotions from fear to hatred, embarrassment and anxiety or depression are the mode that often follows. We cope, but often to avoid or prevent this from ever happening again without learning from it and healing from the painful experience we protect this pain rather than release it. Some stay so close and appease the beast that they try and neutralize the symbol. This is the idea of keeping the enemy close and accommodating at all costs. This is living a life of fear, shame and condemnation not freedom. Anything that represents the likeness of the rattlesnake becomes unfamiliar and possibly the enemy. There is a disconnection, trauma can do this. This helps inform what’s happening with conflict in relationships, difficulty in decision making and taking action, prejudice and war. The people, places and things are external of you. You must be mindful of the patterns happening internally and learn to grieve the past to say hello to what is possible, a new normal.
Most recently I had this vision, like stained glass all the light was shining on abundant opportunities - the very good and perfect gifts here and now experienced daily. Then, in a moment, very quickly they become darkened by the separation of going back to the pain of what happened in the past. Immediately the beautiful is clouded and lost. I forget the clearly provided food, clothing, shelter, wonder and imagination of what is possible in exchange for what? The rattlesnake. Something I would benefit greatly by dealing with and releasing.
Similar to the rattlesnake are the forged memories, but that of something different - the beauty and delicacy of the butterfly. Here we see the memorable experiences as good and plenty. We hold these like back up batteries in case the lights go out. When opportunities present themselves they lose their uniqueness and we compare them to the good old days as we remembered them to be. We can use these experiences as motivators to continue to do what is best for us with things that resonate. For me that may mean going to the gym because I want to work with myself, to invest in travel with my family and friends, and to do what increases my ability to enjoy my life in a way that connects with God, people and nature. In this sense we learn from our past experiences and they help inform our values and interests. The rattlesnake and the butterfly are powerful imagery and please don’t forget the masterpiece that you are.
With all experience we are given the opportunity to learn and it is often the value of the past experience, both rattlesnakes and butterflies.
Release them both and be here now.
Resources that Have Been Helpful in the Learning
Conversations on Surrender with Michael Singer
The book “No Bad Parts” by Richard Schwartz
Nathan Robinson, Creative Consultation with Showoff Creative
Reading and Resources from Jen Sincero
Josh Neuer is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Greenville, SC. Josh’s Life’s Work is to Create and Capture an Intimate Experience that Makes Room for Hope and Healing. Josh is Passionate about Empowering Meaningful Change in People with Counseling and Growing Communities with Team Engagement and Development. He is the founder of Joshua Neuer, LLC Counseling, a committed husband and father, and is absolutely crazy about relationships!
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