“Today I attended the Celebration of Life/funeral of the 22 year old student that died by suicide. ”
“…It was sobering to say the least.
22 years of tremendous impact through music and the scene, friends of many differing walks of life and views and recognized as a person, curious, compelled and considerate.
Amazing to see what someone can do in what seems like so little time.
May we all remember the long line we stood in to honor of this young man. This demonstrates the fact of the Love we have for one another and continue to make room for hope and healing. Truly, this person was in fact loved and cared for.
Family, friends, bandmates, employers, former teachers and staff.
What a danger when we find ourselves exposed to lies, feeling isolated and see no way forward.
This is the work we do. We are the Gate Keepers.”
I wrote this entry in my online journal.
Sobering to say the least.
This article is intended to comfort and support readers.
In addition, I believe this info will empower you to help yourself and others better.
I’m writing this immediately following the funeral. I feel both grieved and deeply inspired.
This is the work we do. We are the Gate Keepers.
“Information is just bits of data. Knowledge is putting them together. Wisdom is transcending them.”
The Formula
Isolation, Hiding
Chronic Loneliness, Suffering, and Feeling Mischaracterized/Canceled
Shame has a Voice and you Begin to Believe the Lies that You are Bad, a Burden, a/the Problem
Desperate for Relief and Can’t See a Way Forward
Begin to Adopt the False Belief that the World would be Better off Without You
Opening up requires courage to face inner emotions and potential judgement.
Isolation, Hiding
When we feel threatened or rejected we will naturally look to find a safe place. Choosing where you go and what you do matters. When we are isolated we are very susceptible to rumination (over-thinking), depression, anxiety, panic, addiction to what ails us, intrusive thoughts, etc.
Persistent loneliness, Pain, and Feeling Misunderstood/Ignored
When we no longer feel safe to be ourselves we begin to feel limited and restricted within our own community. The problem is felt internally and the mind can take activation to prevent further threat.
Shame Speaks, Causing Belief in Feeling Worthless or Problematic
Community Belonging is vital to safety and security, well-being and connection. When a person feels cut off they may begin to lose sleep, confidence, purpose and meaning.
Desperate for Relief and Can’t See a Way Forward
Desperation is a challenging state to remain in for long. The mind is searching for viable options, the body is reacting and it can become very difficult to see a way forward beyond the circumstance a person is now facing.
Begin to Adopt the False Belief that the World would be Better off Without You
In a chronic active state of distress (anxiety) or a chronic oppressive low (depression) a person can begin feeling bombarded by intrusive thoughts. These thoughts are informed by the above ingredients. What many experience next can lead to the false belief that based upon this information (mind and thinking) and the feelings associated (body and emotional connection) that this is a permanent problem.
In this state it’s very difficult to reach the person as they have become consumed by the situation and likely the fear of the outcome.
I think of this when I see someone doing the best they can coping with what they have available to them at the moment.
From the internal suffering we must remember that we are all in a sense chasing safety.
“We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training”
No Secrets
When is the last time you looked someone in the eyes or said over the phone,
“I Feel Really Scared?”
If you’ve ever found yourself deep into the Formula you know how dangerous this is. Some have described this as being on deaths door, suffocated and in hell.
We return to what we know. Our training is vital. This is especially true of those that are thought of as the strong ones, the helpers and the caregivers, the ones that inspire us and make us laugh!
Can we commit to keeping no secrets? Can you recognize when you isolate or hide? Do you know who specifically you will actively go to when you feel loneliness and suffering in the wake of the Formula?
No Secrets is dedicated to nurturing a safe space where open conversations can flourish without judgment, fostering deep insights and providing valuable support to those seeking guidance. We intentionally challenge and disrupt the Formula by doing this Now.
If you’re not in relationships that foster open conversations, increased awareness and advocacy you must begin building these relationships into your life.
This can include family, friends, mentors, and hired help including Counselors, Coaches and Consultants.
Designate who your people are and nourish the lifeline available to you and your loved ones Now.
For Parents
Author, Donald Miller states, “Parents who aren’t trying to be perfect or pretend they’re perfect have kids who trust and respect them more. It’s as though vulnerability and openness act as the soil that fosters security. And I’d say that’s the quality I most often sense in the children of honest, open parents. I sense security.”
Miller goes on to say, “Environments in which we are encouraged to hide our faults are toxic.” Families that resist the need to be honest and vulnerable risk not training their children to live without secrets. As adults we recognize the great harm of living in the shadow of perfectionism, something that’s equally exhausting as it is unrealistic. When children no longer feel they belong because something is wrong with them they may begin engaging in activities that foster belonging participating in risky behaviors with use of alcohol, drugs, sex, and crime.
Enhance Openness and Truth at Home with These Steps.
Schedule time with your child/family to share the following:
Express your love. Encourage open communication. Ask if they have something burdensome to share. Offer support and take active interest in their life.
Lastly, what compels me to write this is having an understanding that an individual can have all the resources we now have available with bodily safety, a good family and home life, and a vast array of resources, etc. and yet, the Formula requires additional help beyond what we were prepared for. If you find yourself in a challenging situation to the point that you cannot see a way forward please give yourself time to meet with friends and loved ones. Give yourself the fair opportunity to explore strategies and helpful resources including the Crisis Text Line. There is time, there is grace, and there is much to look forward to. The future has not been written yet.
References
Josh Neuer is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Greenville, SC. Josh’s Life’s Work is to Make Room for Hope and Healing. Josh is Passionate about Empowering Meaningful Change in People with Counseling, Coaching and Consulting. He is the founder of Joshua Neuer, LLC, a committed husband and father, and is absolutely crazy about relationships!
Josh Neuer, Licensed Professional Counselor, Coach and Consultant
Founder, Joshua Neuer, LLC Counseling
1326 Haywood Road Suite 202 Greenville, SC 29615
864 660-3844 | Josh@JoshNeuer.com
Visit JoshNeuer.com